I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
Randomize
