My entire life is one complicated drinking game
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
Randomize
