I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
Where is everybody?
It's pretty much split between the strip club and jail.
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
As a member of the kink community, I feel grossly misrepresented
Just boned her on my desk. on top of my term paper. take that professor dipshit
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