I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
Ya well my good-girl image was pretty much blown when he found out I'm going to jail soon.
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
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