I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
okay just a general question, but if i got arrested, who here would bail me out. this is important.
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
Randomize
