his dick is like his red hair, amazing but useless
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
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