Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
