Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
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