OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear
Saved By The Bell: The College Years had it waaaay wrong on that one.
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
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