we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
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