Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
You can make out without kissing
Explanation needed
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
Randomize