We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
My T9 Word has dryhumped saved but I can't even get it to figure out bbq.
either way he was missing a nipple.
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
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