we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
Girls should come with a carfax report
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
we just fucked in the mcds parking lot
wasnt he a virgin
yes we got celebratory milkshakes after
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
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