remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
I take to many stalker pics of him. If he ever looks through my phone he'll never give me sex again :(
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
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