I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
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