so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
and you said cock pushups were impossible
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
Will exercising make me less horny?
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
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