Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
He's a fan of Alicia Keys on Facebook. It doesn't NEED to say 'interested in men'.
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
Randomize
