I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
Say something about gay babies.
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
either way he was missing a nipple.
No I remember falling down the stairs I just don't remember it hurting.
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
Randomize
