When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
Randomize
