i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
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