reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
I drank all the drinks. And jump off roof. Yay
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
well it was naive of you to actually think you're the only bday sex he had lined up for him today. I'm just suprised he actually had a line forming outside of his room
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
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