Can't talk. I'm at the Tulsa Sheriff's office with a bunch of rednecks. I bet I'm the only one that voted for Obama.
I bet you're the only one who could read the ballott.
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
