He asked me if I "almost moaned"
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
soon, soon....
I don't believe you anymore. You're like the boy who cried coitus.....
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
I have no concept of chastity or moderation, she is a Catholic guilt poster child, how could I not try to hit that
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
Randomize
