That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
Sudue. BIG CUP LOTS OF NOMNOMD TUOSPY
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
He brought over a bottle of tequila and a box of donuts with the Plan B, so I guess you could say things are getting pretty serious.
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
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