How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Randomize
