A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
we marched down beaver avenue with lit tiki torches humming the olympics opening song.
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
Yo did you say we are blacking out saturday night and playing dodgeball?
Yeah for relay for life. Its for cancer
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