Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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