Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
Quick question: how do I take a nice picture of my ass? I'm asking you because I figure with an ass like yours you're probably experienced.
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
Is this a Beer, Vodka or Whiskey kind of problem solving night? It's imperative I stock accordingly.
Questions like that are why I love you.
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
Randomize
