It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
In the mean time, I'll continue to kick ass at running and become a successful stripper while he might hook up with one average looking girl he met at a club. I so win.
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
I'm experimenting with sincerity
I need a beard to bite.
Randomize
