I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
Yeah i'd say someone being in the room while you're doing someone makes them eligible for fb friendship
Someone came in the potted fern
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
Randomize
