guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
Pillow talk was a high five, this morning she made dinosaur muffins for the house. I love chapel hill
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