So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
You dont lie about slip and slides
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
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