my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
Let the clothes fall where they may.
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
Randomize