the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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