Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
we sixty- nined on a tennis court.. not even drunk. you say insane. i say creative genius.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
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