The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
Prob because you've thrown up alot. As long as its not like pure blood you're fine. Drink water.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
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