This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
Randomize
