I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
I wore home his HoHoHo boxers. I've never felt such a connection to an article of clothing.
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
maybe one of us should just pity fuck him and get it over with.
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
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