A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
That shit is worth it...they got medicine for that now a days
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
Randomize
