remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
Dude, he threw a pool chair off of an 8 story building. It was a successful night I'd say.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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