I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
Randomize
