just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
Randomize
