I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
hey, i'm all for honesty but let's not get carried away
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
i think this is the gayest thing you've ever shown me. and i'm pretty sure you've sent me pictures of a dude sticking his dick in a horse's nose.
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
Randomize
