when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
so according the 72 facebook statuses i put up last night that i don't recall, i would say it was a success. how about you?
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
i have two papers due tomorrow. contemplating if i should take adderall in my anus for full effects
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
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