Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
