I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
I would convert to being a Republican and Mormon just to sleep with Romney's sons. The things I would to do them.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
Randomize
