When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
yes we were fucking thats why i put "watching a movie" in quotations
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
Just went through campus. In the span of 2 min I saw 4 places I've had sex. And thats just down one street. Man do I miss college.
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
just walked past the recycling bin in class, there's keystone cans in it. go cougs.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
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