having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
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