K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
It was one of those "since we're naked anyway" type situations
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
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