Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
Randomize
