FYI..good luck when you get back from work.. mom and dad know about the boy you brought home last night
haha good one..how did you even know?
we all know. he obviously didn't leave when you might have told him to.. he came down when we were eating because he coud smell mom's cooking. the dude ate with us and offered to say grace. so yeah, good luck.
What can I expect? While all of my friends are getting married, all of his friends are tripping on robitussin
you didnt know i had herpes?
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Randomize
