here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
a guy from my religion class just walked in with a red cup. hello first friday of 2nd semester.
is it bad that I only want to go to my boyfriends house bc I want to see his roomate walk around with his shirt off?
I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Randomize
