I wish they had a smiley of two girls making out
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
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