Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
Can't remember why I called but it definitely had something to do with Lou Bega
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
We talked him into tasing himself.
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
Randomize
