What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
You are a genius and a whore.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Randomize
