We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
Ive done some fucked up shit, but last night was the first I have Poured milk on anothers mans face in the shower.
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
i think i just naturally attract stoners
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
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