im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
No.. It's totally over.. He deleted the poke I sent him.. That makes it official.
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
Randomize
