new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
okay - we take $20 and buy each other some 'drink till we puke' clothes from the thrift store.
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
She said I can't embarrass her, the challenge has been set
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
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