dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
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