in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
I fail to see the problem of enjoying a glass of wine while I poop...
the point I'm tryimg to make is that you didn't need to take the whole box in with you
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
There's something about a foam party that makes freshman want to turn their lives into full blown shit shows. And I'm ok with the fact I am one of those.
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