Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
I'm currently trying to figure out how I woke up naked and handcuffed to my bed. Not real worried about class right now.
Girl passed out in class and vomited. Another victim of syllabus week
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
I feel like a pizza delivery girl of vagina tho
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
Me and my boss just exchanged pictures of our bongs and such...I don't know I feel about this
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